Will You Trust God With That?

Gwen Smith abortion, Blog, Broken into Beautiful 45 Comments

On the far side of a desert, high upon the Mountain of God, a voice called out to Moses from within a curious, fiery bush. He had been tending the sheep of his father-in-law’s flock – going about his normal day-in-day-out tasks on the day that God spoke to him from the flames. On the day that God called Moses to a fresh and fiery mission. A mission of deliverance.

Once a noble prince of Egypt with the world at his feet, he had become a lowly shepherd with dust on his sandals. His crown had been traded in for a staff. The palace days were far behind Moses now. He fled them because of what he had done. Glancing to his left and right to be sure that no one would know what he was about to do, Moses took a horrible situation into his own hands and killed a man. He murdered an Egyptian and covered the death with sand.

Fear and shame bombarded his heart so he fled – away from his dream-filled, royal future to a desert place of humble hiding. The door to his yesterdays was closed. Moses had moved on to a new place. His past was his past and he had no intentions of returning to it. His life was different now. Normal, not noble.

Then God interrupted Moses’ new normal. His plans for Moses were different.


God’s intentions were for freedom – the freedom of His people, the Israelites, who were captives – slaves to Egypt. God called Moses to face the pains of his past so that the Israelites could face a future of freedom. His plans of emancipation required that Moses obey Him, listen to His voice, follow His instructions and trust Him.

Moses quivered and doubted. He made excuses. He felt unfit and unqualified for such a task. But God met Moses at his doubts. He called him to courage and went on to use Moses as an instrument of deliverance, truth, power and freedom.

Yes – Moses made mistakes along the way, but God was powerful in, through and in spite of each one. Through it all, God led as only God can. He led with power. He led with purpose. He led with love. And through Moses, God led His people to a new place of promise and freedom.

On the far side of Charlotte, North Carolina, high upon a mountain in a retreat center, a voice called out to me from within a curious and fiery story. I had been tending to my husband and children, to the laundry and the dishes – writing songs and leading worship – going about my normal day-in-day-out tasks on the day that God spoke to my heart from the testimony of another woman. On the day that God called me to a fresh and fiery mission. A mission of deliverance.

Once a sold-out, dream-filled God-girl, I had become a grace-embracing, yet disqualified-for-anything-big-because-of-what-I-had-done God-girl. My use-me-in-a-big-way-Lord prayers had been traded in for average, can’t-have-a-dream-anymore faith-living. My God-dream days were far behind me. I had fled them because of what I had done in my junior year of college. Glancing to my left and right to be sure that no one would know what I was about to do, I took a stressful situation – an unplanned pregnancy – into my own hands and killed a baby. I robbed my baby of life when I had an abortion and covered the death of my precious child with sands of compartmentalizing and reason.

Fear and shame bombarded my heart, so I fled – away from God – away from my dream-filled, royal future to a desert place of heart-hiding. After a season of brokenness, God brought me to a place of beauty, forgiveness and healing. I was restored and redeemed by scandalous, merciful grace. Then I closed the heart-door to my yesterdays. I moved on to a new place in Christ. My past was my past and I had no intentions of returning to it – or to the God-dreams that swelled my soul as a young, sold-out Jesus lover. My life was different now. Normal, not dream-worthy.

Then God interrupted my new normal. His plans for me were different.


God’s intentions were for freedom – the freedom of His people, the women, who were captives – slaves to their life-wounds. God called me to face the pains of my past so that my Girlfriends in God might face a future of freedom when they hear my testimony. His plans of emancipation required that I obey Him, listen to His voice, follow His instructions and trust Him.

I quivered and doubted. I made excuses. I felt unfit and unqualified for such a task. But God met me at my doubts. He called me to courage and is using my broken-into-beautiful story as an instrument of deliverance, truth, power and freedom.

Yes – I make mistakes along the way, but God is powerful in, through, and in spite of each one. Through each surrendered day, God is leading as only He can. With power – with purpose – with love. And I pray right now that this story – my story – will bring you to a new place of promise and freedom through the grace of Jesus Christ.

What fresh and fiery mission is God calling you to trust Him with, friend?

Stop with the excuses.

I’m living proof that God can free anyone from shame and use anyone for His purpose.

Step up to the burning bush – into God’s presence. Listen to His voice. Obey. Follow.

Take courage.

Trust Him with your past and with your tomorrows.

Allow grace to direct what your mission should look like.

But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.
(Exodus 9:16)

Dear God,
With a trembling heart, I ask You to show me the plans you have for me. Bind me to Your Word and to Your strength so I will have the courage to obey. May my brokenness be restored and redeemed for the beauty of Your glory.

In Jesus’ Name, amen.


Take a few moments to consider where you’ve come from and where you feel God is leading you.

Some of you may feel this devotion was written specifically for you. Don’t ignore that. Explore it. Let’s take the conversation deeper on the wall of my blog. It’s time to trust God with your yesterdays, your todays and your tomorrows.

Can’t wait to hear what God’s stirring in your heart.

Grace and peace, friend. Grace and peace.


Today’s post is an excerpt from TRUSTING GOD. Get the book from Amazon or grab a copy from my store.


{Listen to the GRACEOLOGIE with Gwen Smith Podcast during your commute to and from work… or while you run errands, cook dinner, fold laundry, eat chips and guacamole… all the things}

If you want to read and study the Bible, but don’t know where to start, this is for you! Girlfriends in God co-founder Gwen Smith has several online Bible Study options that will guide you on a personal journey with the Lord as you read, record, reflect on and respond to His Word.

These studies will help you know what God says about tender topics like forgiveness, healing, fear, depression, relationships and hope. Each inductive study can be done in the comfort of your home and in a timeframe that fits with your personal schedule. Visit www.GwenSmith.net/BibleStudy to learn more.


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Comments 45

  1. God, I will constantly praise your Holy name, for how far you have led me and how far you will continue to take me. I am not worthy in your sight… For all the days I doubted and questioned you due to my challenges, you still embraced me… Thank you Lord for using me for your Glory, for forgiving me and aiding me still worship your holy name, for I am unworthy.

  2. I remember how God has gradually led me out of a past filled with so much pain, sickness, uncertainties, poverty and an environment filled with so much evil which contradicted God’s laws.
    Despite my current challenges of unemployment and trying to finish my thesis, I will still look up to God because my help still comes from my God in my life’s journey. Thank you Lord for never forsaking me! Amen.

  3. God wants me to tell the story of how He used a beautiful person to kill my demons of my past when I didn’t believe in myself. I poured out my heart. It was beautiful !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. I committed adultery 11 years ago and left my husband to marry the other man. This devotional spoke to me so much because I felt that God would never use me again. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m probably a little older than your target audience but I love reading your devotionals

  5. I too had an abortion. It was many years ago in high school. In the last few years God has healed all of my pain and suffering it has caused. Recently I was able to share my store with a MOPs group. I was told my testimony touched many hearts that day. Now I feel God calling me to write my story. I feel so lost. I don’t know where to start. Writing has always been a huge struggle for me. I can’t spell very well and grammar is not a strong suit.

  6. When I first received and read this in my email yesterday, I could barely get through it. It was so pertinent to what I felt, and I was struggling so hard to believe that I am worthy of what Father has placed on my heart. I have been in Celebrate Recovery for a little over a year, learning to face my past and the pain and lies I have believed because of it. I still often feel unworthy of God’s love and acceptance. I fear failure in the very depths of my being. I am coming to see (slowly) that these feelings are based on lies I have believed about myself, but I am struggling to let go of those lies and accept God’s truth about who I am and who He has created me to be.

    In the midst of this, Father put a big dream in my heart, but one I feel very unworthy to be a part of. I have hidden from my own hopes and dreams for so long because I did not feel I deserved them. This hit right at the heart of that and left me in tears. It took a day of feeling intensely sorry for myself, and a deep, heartfelt prayer that I would wake today to take steps forward for me to come back and reread this and cry out to Father asking Him to help me believe…not in me, but in HIM, in who HE says He has made me to be, and in what HE has said He wants to do through me.

    Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you for your obedience and courage to follow His voice. And thank you for writing words that spoke directly to my heart at the very moment I needed to hear them. I thank Father for all of it.

  7. This post really touched me but my challenge is my life is so messed up I don’t know where He is leading me. I am in a verberlly abusive marriage, am in a financial mess, I feel that I let God down, don’t just know what to do or where to go. The pain is heavy. I have 3 wonderful teenager children. Don’t know if am. Making much sense but

  8. I must say it feels good knowing my situation is not unique and am not the only Christian that’s had to deal with this. Had an abortion myself a month back and I have never told a soul. Mostly because I come from a country where abortion is considered illegal and if anyone found out I’d be prosecuted. I still struggle with believing God has a greater plan for my life after what I did but after reading this am hopeful again. So,thank you!

  9. I felt just these almost exact words and almost exact story. I had an unplanned pregnancy my junior year of highschool. I felt so much shame, guilt and condemnation that I hid my pregnancy out of fear for about the first 5 to 6 months. Mostly I didn’t know what to do, where to go or who to tell as I was in some denial thinking that couldn’t happen to me. I went to church, was involved in youth etc….
    I ran and hid as much as I could. Finally a friend came to me and asked if I was pregnant, I broke down and sobbed. I was only 16 and the friend took me to the health department since I didn’t drive yet. Thankfully my baby was healthy and ok as I got checked regularly after that. Abortion did enter my mind as a “way out” the doctors suggested and the baby’s father kept pushing. I scheduled an adoption appointment with a social worker but my family found out right before the initial meeting. I kept my baby and had my healthy son a couple months later.
    I ended up being a single mom, worked full time and went on to finish my highschool and started some college. Although i accomplished these things i searched for love in wrong relationships where I found an abusive one that I felt I deserved somehow and he really “cared”. I ran for years later feeling the weight of not being so good and can never be forgiven as the weight I carried I couldn’t let go from what I did. I finally got out of the abusive relationship more broken than I ever was with a newborn daughter and being a single mom of 2 now.
    I finally surrendered to God after watching a movie “October Baby” and let go what seemed like years of “junk” I was never meant to carry. I just wept and sobbed what seemed like a flood of tears thayveouldny quit. It was a release ! That started the healing at least . More God encounters here and there as God showed me how much I was really loved and forgiven by His Grace and mercy as I had been all along. I just needed to accept that and let go of the chains of bondage I held on to. I kept avoiding doing what I knew God wanted me to, that was to help other women in similar situations in the pregnancy center. I was laid off work 2 years ago and finally knew I needed to be volunteering there as that’s what I do now 2 to 3 days a week. I am almost finished with my associates degree in Psychology/christian Counseling as well. My son is now 21 and I have a daughter who’s 15. I have been with my husband 14 years now! I still don’t feel qualified some days but God keeps equipping me. We have now started an embrace grace group for single moms who find themselves in unplanned pregnancies and this will guide them through the healing process.
    Only God can take broken to beautiful!

  10. I know this wasn’t wrote for only me, but I feel as if it was. I had an abortion when I was 18. I didn’t want to do it but the father of the baby said “we must.” I was so scared and alone. I married the father 2 yrs later and then I had two beautiful children. My life was not happy. I loved my children but the feelings I had for their father was never “right”. I won’t go into detail but the man was horrible and I had no love for him. Eventually we divorced and I remarried years later. Again I made a mistake with marriage. My beautiful daughter died years ago from a horrific car accident and I will never be the same. I am still married to the same man but I don’t love him. I can’t help but wonder if this is my punishment from God because I do believe that God punishes his children. I accepted Jesus into my heart decades ago and I don’t expect my life to be all roses. I know it doesn’t work that way for anyone. I believe that the Lord is our only salvation and I bear witness to his salvation when I feel the calling. Thank you, Gwen, for sharing your story. I read Girlfriends in God everyday. It is a wonderful way that God uses you (and the other writers) to shine through. I know you don’t know me but I ask if you could please pray for me at this horrible time. Thank you and bless you.

    1. I am so very sorry for your loss, but please, if you know nothing else, know that this is not a punishment from God! Yes, there are consequences for our actions but once you became a child of God and repented of your sins He no longer holds them against you. Otherwise Jesus’ death on the cross was for nothing! I also had an abortion and struggled with similar thoughts, but there is a path to freedom from your past! God is the key, but I would encourage you to find a post-abortive Bible study in your area. This will help more than you will ever know!! I will be praying for you!

  11. Hi This post was for me, a long with the meditation from Iyanla Vanzant about relationships and letting go. I moved to Texas about a month ago, so I know a little about letting go. I wanted to start a YouTube channel. With moving I realized God said I can to a lot of things I once only dreamed about, but this was not my destination ending and I still find myself asking God ‘is this it?’

  12. This really hit home with me this morning. I too had an abortion 26 years ago. I was having an affair at that time and got pregnant. I didn’t want to risk hurting my husband and daughters, then 6 and 10 and didn’t even consider any other option. I stuffed this down and tried to forget until about a year ago when I finally confessed to a friend. She encouraged me to open up about it and although I am still working on that, I know it’s part of my story that must be told. I know God has forgiven me but that doesn’t mean the pain has gone away. I don’t think it ever will. God has been using me in a big way over the last 2 years and I’m more and more compelled to write my story so it will help other women know God and know he forgives even the most heinous sins. Thanks for sharing!!

  13. As always Gwen, your sharing of the deep pain and the even deeper work of God in your life brings hope to one who has known such enslavement to shame and pain.
    I am 52 years old and only came to know Jesus and receive him into my life at age 30. At the time I was attending a 12 step program for food addiction and came in contact with an older man, a recovered alcoholic, who introduced me to Jesus, as friend to the broken, a relationship I had no idea was possible. It set me on a new path; I began to attend church, meet new Christian friends, study the bible, go to Africa on a couple of mission trips. join women’s ministry, etc. etc. I imagine you know where this is going…..but what about freedom from all that bondage to food in your life Sue? To be honest, I have never experienced total release from it, never more than a momentary reprieve at best. I have tried every scheme out there to get it under control—keto, Weight Watchers, juicing, even became a vegan for awhile. What I wasn’t doing, was allowing Jesus into the deep places of pain and shame that were at the root of all those years of self-destructive eating, and so it continued. I honestly don’t know a life without using food to calm the tremors within. What I do know is that He and only He is the answer. He died to give us our freedom from whatever bondage has been holding us, whether it’s a secret shame or a full-on unhealthy pattern in our lives. We may have been broken by sin but we are precious to him, fashioned with love by his own unique design for us and created for a kingdom purpose. I know he wants to heal me and I believe that he will, that the process is happening even as I type this. And he wants to heal all who call on his name, and even for those who don’t but for whom the invitation remains open.
    May we continue to draw close, drink deep and know that wonderful and indescribable deliverance into a life beyond our wildest dreams. Bless you Gwen.

  14. This message has given me hope, I have been feeling very depressed this week, separated from a 39 yr marriage for almost 5 yrs spouse suffers from alcoholism I’m a believer he is not , Ive excepted Christ 15 yes ago , I’ve lived with feeling insecure & fearful all of my life , This alone has caused me shame , I come from a very dis functional back ground, I never had an abortion I know women who have and the sorrow that comes with it. I’m in a place of feeling stuck and very alone, family & most friends have fallen away because of separation, other than a few people at my church being separated have felt like I have a disease no one contacts to see how I’m doing , other than one person I’m thankful for that . Not sure where I’m going from here .

    1. Dianna,

      I so know how this feels. I have an alcoholic husband as well. He is sober now, but it was a long hard road to get him there.

      I hate that you are feeling lonely. I went through the same thing, so I wanted to offer an ear/shoulder for you.

      If you’d like to chat, please email me at julie@graceover40.com ❤️

  15. Gwen….. I’m one of those who feel your devotion was written for me. I had an affair over 5 years ago. My husband and I sadly divorced. I remarried the man who I thought was my knight in shining armor. Turns out he wasn’t and was verbally abusive. He and I just divorced in March of this year. I feel like a total failure and I am now living paycheck to paycheck, when at one time money was never an issue. Things are tough, but I know God will provide exactly what I need. BTW – I live in Westmoreland County, PA and used to live in Charlotte, NC 🙂

  16. This knocked me to my knees…I too made the dreadful decision to abort a child, and I too rationalized that decision. I thought I was ok with it but realize that I have never fully accepted God’s loving grace and forgiveness. I have been blessed with two beautiful children but have always wondered about that other… I have deemed myself unworthy and never allowed myself to dream those bigger dreams. I realize that I am finally ready to step into a bigger life of God’s calling. Thank you so much for your testimony!

  17. This spoke to my heart in a way that can’t be described in words. Thank you for your courage in sharing something so intimate and personal.

  18. This was beautiful. Your words are always touching, powerful, humbling and thought provoking; Yet the richness from your heart is without a doubt – INSPIRATIONAL! You truly living & feeding on the ‘living water ‘.. may your garden continue to blossom.

  19. Dear Gwen, bless you for your sincere deep from the gut words of your past mistake. I too had (tripping over this word) aborted my unborn child but to this day not a moment goes by when I am convicted/suffer of it. My children do not know – only my husband and a few at my church. Is this an indication to unveil the truth to them before I can be useful for God’s purposes? Feeling so guilty and shameful. My husband says not to evoke this hurt to them but I don’t want to live with this lie of what I have done as I feel like a hypocrite. Your sister in Christ Rose

  20. Thank you for sharing your story and encouraging others. I have felt for awhile now that I need to use my past to help other women realize they are worthy, strong, beautiful just as they are and they can survive whatever it is they are going through and have a wonderful life. Today I have an interview to volunteer at a women’s shelter, I’m nervous, but it’s time to step out of my comfort zone. I pray that this is God’s will for me.

  21. Hi Gwen,

    This was a beautiful read! And timely. I want to dream again. It’s almost like I forgot how. I know God is teaching me though. Sometimes it’s just remembering the dreams that were there before and acting on them. Maybe that’s it? Either way, it’s happening. I’m trying. One day at a time. And I’m grateful God sent your devotional my way to confirm it can be done! Bless you!


  22. I am currently volunteering at a pregnancy center and, in order to complete the training process, am going through a post-abortive Bible study. I did not want to do it, did not feel that I NEEDED to do it, because I thought I had reconciled my past. I was wrong, and I was almost about to quit the study just yesterday. I am realizing that what I thought was a reconciliation with my past was simply me putting a stamp on it and saying that everything was ok when it wasn’t. I do NOT, DO NOT want to finish this study. I have been both mentally and physically sick over it. Everything in me is crying out to God not to make me do this, but I know He is saying to me that He is with me. This was a very timely devotional, so timely that I know for sure it is God’s way of telling me to push through the wilderness. It is my biggest desire to help other women so that no one has to feel the way I do, and to honor the baby I did not have. I am thankful for your obedience in writing and posting this Gwen. I encourage any women who have had an abortion to find a study like this. It is well worth it, and if your local church doesn’t offer this class, ask someone at your local pregnancy center to see if there is anyone available to lead one. I am praying for all of you, and thankful for you for sharing your stories. Don’t give up, God is with us!

  23. Thanks for sharing. I made a decision that I wish i could turn back the hands of time and undo but can’t. Thank god for people like you who remind us that we all have a past and some things in it are not what we like to talk about but you also remind us that God loves us and forgives.

  24. I have had a lot of life experiences, too. I have been far from God and close to Him through them all. However, I know he has always been right beside me. I have many burdens and as a mom of 4 and wife of almost 28 years, and it is very difficult to release some of them to the Lord like I know I need to do. Recently the opportunity has arisen for me to step out of my comfort zone at work and speak in front of large groups. Even though I have taught elementary school for 27 years and have spoken in front of large groups of children (hundreds of them!), it is DAUNTING to speak before adults. I pray about it and practice. But it is scary. And the opportunities keep coming. I have an upcoming session on Sept. 3 that I think about all the time for which I have been preparing. So when I read the verse at the beginning of this devotion, I felt it was meant for me. I will be sharing about writing and its importance in the teaching of reading to children. This is not a “Christian” topic, but I hope that my presentation will still be a blessing to the participants. Also I am stepping out, after much prayer and procrastination over the years, and going back to graduate school starting in October. I have a lot of irons in the fire. I am so thankful to have the Lord’s guidance. Please keep me in your prayers.

  25. 27 years ago, I was told I needed to give up my career to stay home with my kids. I was told that I had to homeschool my kids. All this came from the church we were in at the time. A very controlling, cult like church, that put men on a pedestal, and crushed women down. We were constantly told that we were wretched sinners and that God was against us.
    After many years of spiritual abuse from that church, we crawled out of it and attempted to make a new life. The depression was terrifying. The pain was excruciating. I had 5 young children and they were the only ones that kept me from ending it all. I went to counseling and was recommended to go to a 12 step support group that used Keith Miller’s “A Hunger for Healing book.” This group was a life saver and helped teach me that God is for me! God slowly and steadily started showing me that He’s for me and loves me!
    Fast forward many years, I’m recently divorced, my ex has been brought up on sexual abuse charges against his patients, and may lose his license. The alimony and child support I was counting on may not be there for me anymore, so I need to figure how to make it on my own, after being out of my career for 27 years.
    This devotional , Gwen, has help me see that God is leading me, is with me, and may even have something big, new and fresh for me.

  26. Today is my birthday and my prayer was that God would give me strength to let go of my past shames and move forward with what He has planned for me to do and then I read your message. Thank you for confirming that it is time for me to also let go of the guilt of my abortions and move forward in trust and faith!

  27. THANK YOU for sharing your story. I too, had an abortion 17 years ago this month. I’ve lived in guilt and pain all of these years. I’ve lived my life my way and not God’s way. God still blessed me with 3 beautiful children and a husband that refuses to give up on me. I’ve lived my life apart from God and at 41 am looking to change that.
    Your story helped me and I have a sense of hope and faith in God….finally.

  28. Lord I know you’ve given me the strength to get through. Would you give me the boldness to hold on and do things your way. I’m so confused as to why all of this is happening,, but it seems like you want to remind me that the story isn’t over yet.

  29. Thank you so much for your article, it touched my heart and made me cry. I felt it was exactly written for me and moved me in a way I could not imagine.

    I thought I would let you know and thank you for having the courage to share your testimony.

    God bless

  30. I am in that hidding place, I have been running from my calling because of mistakes I made to years ago and I feel unworthy to Carry on..I stopped going to church or reading these devotion s because they increased my guilt..when I read todays devotion I felt like God is talking to me directly I pray that I am strong enough to face my tomorrow, find my healing and restoration as I step out to my New God mission.

  31. 24 years ago, I too had an abortion. I’ve lived with the guilt and hid from God for years. My husband and I have returned to church in the last 2 years, with our 3 children. I was blessed with that one pregnancy, and then was unable to get pregnant again. Our children are adopted. I’ve always known God had big plans for me but at 45 I’m not sure what that could be. I’ve been listening though.

  32. This has given me encouragement, I know that God has something for me I’m just not sure what it is. At the moment I can think of a lot of things it can’t be, such as I’m not gifted in writing or speaking. What is in my heart is that I want so desperately is to keep learning and growing in my faith with God. To be an encouragement to others, to be a help and support to others with eating disorders. I know that I just have to keep being obedient in doing God’s will for my life each day.

  33. This touched me deep to the core. I’m in transition once again, uprooted, both excited and fearful. I’m following God to lead a small group with women to reflect and grow on Part 4 Psalms.
    I love how you were honest about trembling as I’m feeling that too. I leading for the first time at church while some transitional things are going on within the church and some include feelings of people not so positive toward my husband. I wanted to run away. Cancel. But God’s voice is clearly saying be “brave” and obey for my strength will lead you like Moses.
    Sister in His Grip with Grit
    Thanks for journeying together 🙂

  34. This has really blessed, and encourage me. This story shows me that I am not the only one. Although I have never had an abortion, but I had many missteps. I have been called into ministry, I went dragging my foot,but now I am stepping up to the call with a fresh start. The willingness to listen and obey. Thank so much for stirring my pure mind up,such a beautiful testimony.

  35. Hi Gwen! At your Greensboro, NC event last September 8th, you shared this testimony from your past. All at once there was a huge hush in the room like the air being sucked out. I could hear small groans and murmurs around me, probably too small for you to hear. I thought, “That takes guts to share, in a church, what Gwen just shared!” Yet there you stood, a beautiful servant of the Living God, unashamed because you know what the Lord has done for you. That spoke to me that I have nothing to be ashamed of anymore because of My Lord Jesus Christ, taking my shame on Him, canceling out my debt, nailing it to the cross. See Col. 2:13-15.

    “And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him.”

  36. I too have a very similar past and have hidden it away. It has caused a lot of pain and broken marriages and Brokenness in my life. I know God has done a wonderful healing in my heart. I really feel that he wants me to serve somehow and help other women. This diversion really was right on today.

  37. I have been thinking a lot about my past and wondering how the events have shaped my life. What if one thing different had been done. What if I went with my sister instead of staying home. What if she had caught a ride with a friend instead? What if I more easily shared my experiences? What if I was more open about what it was like to live in a home where everyone was broken but they didn’t know how to say they were broken? I hold back an awful lot, I think I am like Moses sometimes, hiding in the desert, with my head down and face hidden. What would happen if I looked up AND opened my ears AND opened my heart AND took that next step. I wonder where God would lead me. Where He would have led me.

  38. When you said that some may feel that this devotion is written specifically for you, you hit the nail on the head. Several months ago I felt God calling me into a new ministry. I have been part of the worship team at my church for sometime but God has placed on my hear that I am supposed to start teaching and move into women’s ministry, and I have come up with every reason as to why I am not good enough. I have asked to meet with the Pastor of my church to share my thoughts and ideas but have not gone through with the meeting yet out of fear of being rejected. Thanks so much for this post and the verse from Exodus.

  39. I didn’t kill my sons but the amount of pain I inflicted them makes my pain seem to be the same intensity as yours. Therefore the issue is guilt, not what we do, because as we share the same nature we cannot ‘rank’ our mistakes. Guilt is a smart way of departing us from a God to whom we are beloved children.

  40. I’m wondering what God wants to say to me this morning by reminding me of my similar past. A past I have hidden away in forgetfulness (my go-to defense mechanism) until ‘reminded’ from time to time.

    Although THAT misstep is still a secret, I believe I’ve accepted God’s grace and have moved on.

    I’ve since had other missteps and experienced more grace.

    I had a second unplanned pregnancy. I kept my baby that time. I accepted the consequences which were life altering – even to today, 27 years, a marriage and 2 more children later.

    Still processing…….

    Now I have another secret…. a broken marriage…..how broken is my secret. But we have accepted God’s grace.

    We celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary this year. But we have been together longer than that. How long? 4 pregnancies, 3 children, a restored marriage and much grace long.

    We now have a passion for marriages and serve in a marriage ministry at our church. ‘Our’ secrets have led us to service.

    I’m still learning to fully embrace the truth that God’s grace is sufficient. I’m still learning to appreciate brokenness……. especially my own. I’m learning to let go of ‘perfection’.

    This trip down memory lane has reminded me that God’s grace is more than enough. It’s been and will be enough through every misstep, and it has been and will be enough for every imperfection.

    Afterall, His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

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